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I can’t smile without you
Although I have the thought of you in my mind
My smiles aren’t whole when you aren’t there
I need you to here with me to show me how
Nothing else can do what your touch can
Looking into your eyes brings me to fall
I fall right into your loving arms
I want to look into your eyes right now
I want to fall into your arms
Because I can’t smile without you
Without you, a part of me isn’t here
The part I’m missing is wherever you are
A part of me lies in your heart
I feel you within mine
But I still can’t smile without you
You replace the emptiness inside
You replace everything that ever made me feel down
I’m happy because I know your mine
But,I still can’t smile you
Personal Poetry
You may think I'm mad when I put "Personal" Poetry on the internet. The thing is - poetry is my way of coping and this is what I do - and I don't care about what others think. Please, feel free to post comments on my guestbook about my poetry, just please don't be insulting for the sake of it, but I do like to have critical comments on whether it's good or bad or could be improved. Thanks. All my life I have loved writing. The subject of my poetry is never nice. I tend to write about dark things, such as suicide, depression, self-harm, heartbreak etc. Poetry is something that has become a part of me. Mostly I write when I'm feeling down, hense what my poetrys about. What I write is basically my thoughts and feelings put into words.
This site has a lot of my poetry on also if you are interested. http://allpoetry.com/poets/Blasphemous%20Girl.
Always the one...
Always the one left alone
Always the one with the broken heart
Always the one that no one wants
Always the one to be hurt
Always the one to be made to feel small
Always the one to put herself down
Always the one to feel like she’s hated
Always the one to feel left out
Always the one with no one there
Always the one who cries
Always the one that no one notices
Always the one that people look right through
Always the one whose feelings don’t matter
Always the one to be cast aside in a crowd
Always the one to be looked at like she’s nothing
Always the one who just wants to take her own life
Always the one that people don’t listen to
Always the one whose voice goes unheard
Always the one to fall in love and be rejected
Always the one to feel like no one really cares
Always the one to put herself out
Always the one who’ll do anything to see you smile
Always the one who cares about you more than her life
Always the one that is taken no notice of
Always the one that feels alone
Always the one who feels guilty for loving
Always the one to give away her heart when it’s not wanted
Always the one to be left in the dark
Always the one that blames herself
Always the one who looks into your eyes and wants you to destroy her
Always the one who is frightened of her thoughts
Always the one who is always on her own
Always the one who you walk past
Always the one you ignore
Always the one who wished to be someone else
Always the one who wanted to be with you
Always the one who’s never enough
Always the one who is second best
Always the one whose happiness is none existent
Always the one with scars drawn upon her body
Always the one who never feels whole
Always the one who hates herself
Always the one with no self-confidence
Always the one with low self-esteem
Always the one who’s confused
Always the one who never knows what’s going on
Always the one who wants to see herself bleed
Always the one whose only real feeling is pain
Do you see me?
Do you see me standing here?
I’m right here next to you
Don’t you see me, dear friend?
Please, I’m trying everything
Just to get you to look my way
Notice me - like you used to
I just want you to look at me
I just want you to talk to me
I suppose I’m just invisible to your eyes
Don’t you see you are hurting me?
Do you even care?
Do you see me standing here?
I have no where else to go, you see
These are the people that claim to be my friends
Even they are ignoring my presence, do you even care?
Inside I am crying, don’t you see my tears?
Inside I am dying, can’t you see the pain in my eyes?
Loving you is like pulling a knife across my wrist
Pain
I’m sick of feeling like this
I’m sick of the fact you don’t care
So, don’t you see me?
You find it so hard within yourself
Even to force a fake smile upon your face
Here I am…I’m waiting in the cold
Just know that, I’ll wait all my life…
Always and forever...
I’m an emotional person
And you’ve shattered my heart too many times
Yet, you thought you’d do it again
So unintentional, you’re painful breaking eyes
They stab into me like a thousand sharp knifes
I don’t want this to rhyme for the rhythm of my heart does not
I fucking hate you and there is no such thing as going back
What made you think you could bring it all this far?
Just what made you think I am as weak as you are?
I will try to move on with my sad little life
And for you, I will no longer put my blood on that knife
Talk to me like you did that day that we met
Throw at me your most immature insult yet
You don’t deserve for me to love you
And you aren’t worth my care
But the fact is something between us will always be there
Whether it’s only me who feels it or
Whether deep down inside you’ve hated me from the start
In my heart, dedicated to you, and you only, there will always be a part.
Every time...
There were times when I used be happy
Nothing used to go wrong and when it did
I never used to notice and life seemed so great
What happened to what I call my life?
I’m not myself around anyone
I don’t even know who I am anymore
The dream of being loved begins to turn to fear
I’m scared it will never happen and I will always be alone
But I love you and nothing can change that
Look deep inside of me and see my feelings are true
There’s only ever been room for one person in my heart
And that person is you
Part of me hopes that will change one day
As my heart just doesn’t stop breaking
Thinking about the same thing all the time
That same thing that will never be a reality
Because there will never be a me and you
Scars, remind me of the pain that cuts so deep
Sometimes I think you notice the way I look at you
You know exactly how I feel but it makes no difference
She’s what you want, not me, I will never match up to her
She’s so…beautiful
I am the opposite and always will be
Loving you will always be a part of me
And it will always hurt
Every time you hold her and tell her you love her
I’ll be wishing that was me in your arms
Every time I see you kiss her
I’ll be wishing that was me you were kissing
Every time... </3
Bottled Up Thoughts...
I will carry on like this, allowing you to think I am over you
I will allow you to tear my heart in two every time you look at me
The pain inside of me will remain bottled up
Concentration is something I’ve lost the skill to do
My mind’s blank, and my thoughts run dry
The faces around me all know what’s going on
I don’t, your words are just noise to me
Don’t tell me that I’m going to be okay
Don’t tell me this is just a phase I am going through
And don’t pretend to care about the girl stood before you
Let me get on with it, outcasted in my own little world.
Do you still feel the same?
I wonder if it will work this time
I close my eyes to think of you
And as your face enters my thoughts
A smile creeps upon my face
There’s nothing I want more in the world
Than to have something special with you
You are everything I’ve always wanted
And although I’ve denied it to myself a lot
You always have been and always will be
I still see the sparkle in your eye
When you look at me and smile back
And I still feel love between us when were together
Holding you in my arms brought memories flooding back
Trying so hard to keep you warm in the cold
And trying even harder to resist the temptation of kissing you
There’s nothing I want more than for this to be my life
I want to hold you in my arms like this everyday
I want to look up at you and see you smiling back at me
Every single day
I remember the way things used to be
And I think about the way things should still be now
I realise that I’ve been so unbelievably stupid
Why did I let go of something so special?
Why did I let something like that slip through my fingers?
But you’re back in my life now and I wonder
Can things be how they used to be?
I wonder if you can hold me like you used to
I wonder if you could take me back
And give me back the happiness I took away from myself
Not realising what I was letting go of
Do you still feel the same?
I still love you, do you still love me?
Heartbreak...
When you look into somebody’s eyes when they talk
And you’re listening to every word that comes out of their mouth
Every word sounding so sweet
Watching them as they talk to you
Thinking about how you feel about them,
You can't help but smile because you’re so happy.
Wanting to tell them
Wanting to hold them right there and then and tell them, "I think I love you"...
Knowing you can't...
Feeling your heart beating faster inside your chest
As he looks back into your eyes and smiles
There’s nothing more in your mind at that moment in time.
Hoping he will notice
The look in your eyes,
The smile on your face,
And the way your voice changes when you speak to him,
When he leans over and kisses you....
You realise...that what you’re feeling is real.
You let you mind run wild,
And you think of how long your happiness will last.
How long that smile on your face will actually be real.
How long he will have his hold over you.
And then you wonder....how much will it hurt when he breaks your heart?
Just a feeling...
Life’s emotions build up inside
Causing silent but painful screams
Emptiness becoming a part of who you are
The pain and the hurt inside of you nobody understands
You cry as your feelings collide
I wish you would just leave me alone
Just leave me here
And maybe if I keep hoping
My existence will slowly disappear
I want to show you the thoughts in my mind
I want to be able to say, “You asked, so I’ll tell,”
But I can’t do that, I can’t and I won’t
This is a feeling that is so hard to explain
A feeling, you’ve most likely felt…
I suppose we all feel it in our own little way
There’s nothing else you think about
Just the plea and the wish to feel real
I want to feel real in my world again
The pain cuts through you like a thousand knifes
Your eyes like a mask as you hide behind them
My heart is the most unreal thing of all
I’m surprised it’s even beating…
Losing yourself..
What does it mean to be in love?
I have lost myself in feelings of heartbreak
I’ve lost the girl I once was
I used to know such a nice, happy girl
You’d never see her without a smile
Isn’t it funny how things change?
How the person inside of somebody can suddenly change?
I’m just so frightened, of losing something
Of losing something, I’ve really never had
I don’t know what to do anymore…I’ve forgotten how to live
I’ve forgotten how to pretend, and I’ve forgotten how to lie
Take a good look in these eyes and see; I’m not the girl you think I am
Realise that I’ve never been that girl
~~But you’re too wrapped up in your own little world to notice~~
Nothing Cuts So Sharp...
Nothing cuts so sharp
As the words I whisper to myself
My thoughts are like two hands around my neck
The worse they make me feel, the tighter the hands squeeze
I felt a feeling of embarrassment come over me
As your talk down to me the way you do
The whole room is silent as I look up
People’s eyes are staring into me and I just don’t know what to say
I put my head down trying to block you out
But I still hear your voice drumming into my mind
It’s like there’s just no way you will back down
Please just leave me here with my head in my blazer
I move my head to the side and the wetness from my tears smothers across my face
I imagine an ocean of water in front of me and I all I want to do is drown myself in it
Give me anything; something sharp just let me hurt myself…
I hear you tell me to get up out of my seat
I remain seated but my body picks up
Bleeding mascara runs down my face as I beg you to let me go
I don’t want to be here anymore, don’t you see!
What would you say? What would your reaction be?
If I told you the fucking thoughts inside of me
You'll meet her, I promise.
I look at my wrist
And I want to destroy it
I want to do the one thing
That I know I can’t do
I want to end this pain
The pain I bury deep down inside
I just want to be free
I want to stop wanting to hurt myself
I just want to feel real
I don’t want it to be the only thing that keeps me going
I don’t want it to be the only thing that feels real
There’s nothing left anymore
I thought things were getting better
But I was so wrong
I’ll just give up now
Like I was going to before
I’ll fail everything I try to do
I’ll humiliate myself in everything I do too
I’ll embarrasses my inexperienced self
I’ll show each and every one of you
The real girl inside
The one you never see
The one you have never met
You’ll meet her
I promise
Realise...
Your lies are the only thing that keeps me going
But they are beginning to fail at what they do best
I know what you say to me is false and untrue
And I also know that you love to hurt me
You love to see the tears fall down my cheeks
You love to hear me scream in pain
I want you to look at me and see the real me
I want you to see the real girl behind my betraying eyes
All I ask of you is your sweet care and protection
I ask this because I can’t cope anymore
I can’t cope with the lies I tell myself
And I can’t cope with the emptiness
See the real girl inside of me
And see that she needs help
Notice the pain in her tear filled eyes
Reach out to my torn apart heart
Realise that I need you…
Realise that I can’t cope without you…
Realise…that I love you.
Say Goodbye...
Say goodbye to me, see how much I care
I know one day, a day so close to this
Your words will shatter my heart for one last final time…
They look at you with eyes full of concern
You struggle to find answers to their questions
“What’s wrong?” is the most common of all
But if I answer, will you talk to me again?
Will you understand? I’m so frightened…
I feel so pathetic, I’m just so stupid.
Why am I frightened of so many things?
I’m even scared of myself…
I think of all the times I have put a knife to my wrists
And just never had the guts, but the scary thing is I really want to
Please tell me what to do; I don’t want to live like this anymore
My Mask Is Falling Down...
How many different ways can I feel alone?
How many different ways can I say that I’m now lost without you?
She used to be able to do it, my best friend used to make me feel happy
My best friend who I thought was my world used to put smiles on my face
But now she’s gone and I need to get over that
Now I have you to keep me alive, I have the thought of you
I have your sweet loving smile that I picture in my mind
To keep me from breaking, to prevent me from tearing myself apart
But you’re not here, and the more I lie to myself and tell myself you are
The more I pain my aching, hurting, confused little heart
I can’t pretend! I thought I could but I can’t!
I told myself things that made me feel better, that made me smile
But I didn’t realise that lying to myself had become a habit
I’m hurting, I’m in pain; I don’t know how to describe the way I feel
I’m worried, I’m upset, I’m crying, I’m feeling…suicidal
Again
Who picks you up when you fall? When you can’t tell anybody?
Who’s going to pay attention to the dreams I have fading?
Who’s going to hear me when I scream?
I can’t go on thinking nothings wrong
I’m sick of hurting and fighting with my thoughts
I feel so messed up and I feel so guilty
And I’m not even sure why
But when someone’s looking at you with concerning eyes
That are full of worried and frightening questions
I hear the words “Mental Health,” mentioned and my heart drops
And when I begin to think about it feels like something had died inside of me
I look at my arm, I look at the reminders of the past that are called scars
What have I done with my life so far? What the hell have I achieved?
Nothing. Is the sad and disappointing answer.
Don’t look at me like you really care
Don’t disguise your disappointment, and don’t disguise how annoyed and let down you feel
I know what I am, I’ve always know
Just don’t think I’m like this on purpose
Do you really think I want to feel miserable?
Do you really think I want to feel like a failure?
Do you really think that I want to be in the position, where if I don’t write I’d do something silly?
Do you really think that because of that, I want you to come across things written randomly in the back of my empty exercise book?
Things that would cause you concern, things that aren’t right
Things that cause you to look at me and say, “I think you need help,”
No, I don’t want you to think there is something wrong with me
Even though there is, I don’t want to waste your precious time
They deserve and need it way more that I do and ever will
I’m not capable, I’m not willing, but that’s not because I don’t care
My minds not in the right place, but my heart is, that’s the problem
I’m sorry, I’m just so sorry
That I take your precious time to talk about things to do with my head
The little girl...
There isn’t much point anymore
No more point in pretending
Life used be so full of laughter
Now there are no smiles
I look around at the people around me
Yet still feel so alone
A tear falls down my cheek as I wonder what’s gone wrong
Because I used to be so happy
Everything used to make me smile
Until one day I looked in the mirror
And decided I hated what I saw
From that day forth I have wore a fake smile
What will become of this broken heart?
I wonder if it will ever be whole again
One upon a time there was a little girl
I wish I knew what happened to her
Sometimes I see her late at night
She just stares at me with eyes full of questions
A few times she has tried to speak
The words never falling from her mouth
I see the knife in her hand and I wonder what she’s thinking
Sharp Feelings Of Heartbreak...
Isn’t it just so pointless?
Telling people how you feel
When deep down inside you know
That your dream will never be a reality
They will never say “I love you,”
Like you would to them
They will never feel the same
Once again your heart will be broken
And you’ll watch it smash into a thousand pieces in front of your eyes
Drop to you knees, try and mend the mess he has made
Cut yourself on the broken pieces of your shattered heart
Sweet relief as you dig the sharp feelings of heartbreak into your wrist
There’s just nothing left for you to feel
“There will never be a me and you,” you cry in disbelief as he tells you these words
These words that shape the feelings of loneliness and emptiness within you
Your book is still empty, still lacking its content
Turn the blank pages and allow your tears to stain your life
Suicidal Dreams...
I find myself staring into the mirror at night
I wake up looking so deep into the eyes of this person I thought I knew
I wonder what I am doing and why I am here
There are bandages around my wrists and I can’t remember why
Why is there blood soaking through my t shirt?
I try to recall what happened but all I can do is cry
Looking across onto the landing my eyes catch sight of a knife
And suddenly it all comes flooding back to me
I scream so loud my sound is deafening to my ears
I had that dream again, didn’t I?
I wish I could go to sleep without the fear of dying
I wake up with voices in my head telling me what to do
Whispers in the dark echo in my dark and confused mind
The knife seems to become closer to my hand every time I open my eyes
I can hear screaming and I see flashbacks of the dream inside my mind
There I am lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood
Looking closely at my hand I see it twitching as it’s still grasping the knife
The same knife that’s in my hand right now
Wiping away my tears – in the mirror I see myself smearing blood across my face
Frightening myself I don’t know what to do anymore
The sight of my own blood is beginning to make me feel faint
Why don’t I feel any pain anymore?
The crimson liquid covered knife flashes in my mind
I watch as it takes continuous cuts from my wrists
I thought this was just a flashback
But every second of this is real
I’m lying in a pool of blood on my bathroom floor
All because of my suicidal dream
Once Again...
Once again I am standing here
Standing in the freezing cold looking up at you
I look up and feel you staring into me
I hear your thoughts, “Stop looking at me,”
We have grown so close and I can’t help but see
The love that has grown inside of me
Looking into your tear filled eyes
I would do anything to take away your pain
I felt your arms around me and a smile crept upon my face
But you let go of me so quick
My sweet second of happiness was drained
I tried to make sense of the thoughts
The thoughts that were swirling around in my mind
It’s like a vicious love triangle
You love her, I love you…
But I wish so much that I could be her
Emptiness fills my body as I a tear falls down my cheek
Nothings feels right anymore…nothing.
The way I feel...
I feel the stinging pain as I watch the blood dry and scab
There is nothing like the pain I feel for you
What I put myself through just to keep myself alive
You will never know what goes on in my head when I look at you
I fucking loved you and now there is nothing left of this heart
It’s gone and you’ve taken it from me and torn it apart
Now I’m left with just a scar ridden body and a hollow feeling inside of me
A feeling that was once something meaningful and good
Now it’s a mixture between heartbreak and hatred
Hatred towards myself
This is what I have become
I put my family life in danger because of the fact I love you
I dig the blade into my arm, but not as deep as I would like
I didn’t and I couldn’t because I am just so scared
Scared of the good things in my life that I would be risking
Because the good things mean so much to me
You, mean so much to me
But I can never have you, can I?
And I can never feel real happiness, can I?
And I can never smile a real smile, can I?
And when I do smile, it has to be when I’m just humouring someone, doesn’t it?
Why aren’t I allowed to be happy? I want to smile
Why do I dig this knife so deep into my arm?
Knowing it will never make me feel better
Just knowing it will only make my problems worse
It’s worse than before
I just want to be like my friends
I want to be pretty, I want a nice body
I want to smile when I look in the mirror
Not turn away in disgust
Make me understand...
I want you to understand
Why I think the way I do
I want you to understand
Why I seem like I can’t trust you
I want to tell you
These things you don’t wish to hear
I want to let you know
The thoughts in my head
Explain to me why I have to feel this way
Why I hate myself and get laughed at everyday
I want to know, exactly what is wrong with me
Tell me why you look at me the way you do
Make me understand
Why I must make myself sick
With these thoughts I wish I didn’t have
Why I think about suicide
Nothing seems to me okay anymore
And the scars and cuts talk for me
These things, they build up in my head
Telling me to do things I don’t want to do
So make me understand
Why I can’t seem to be myself
Tell me why I can’t be happy
I want to understand.
The true sad story...
I’ll sit right here
And I’ll pretend I’m okay
I’ll let you think that
I just want to waste my life away
I’ll let you think exactly what you want
There’s nothing left for me to do
They will never know the real girl inside
I tried to find her and introduce her but I’ve failed
Just like I fail at everything else I try to do
Why do they think that I’m always okay?
Why do they think that I can’t be going through anything?
They think that I’m just some dumb little girl
They think that I don’t understand a thing
I don’t think that you understand I how feel
So why don’t you tell me that I’ll be okay
Why don’t you look at me like you always do?
The look that says, “Well, I don’t really care,”
And the look that says, “What you’re going through can’t be half as bad a what I am,”
I want to tell you the truth
I don’t want to be your little girl
I don’t to be the girl I used to be
I just want to be who I am
But I don’t know that girl anymore
Although she visits me sometimes
I just want to work things out
And learn how to survive
I want to know how to cope with my mind
So come on and show me, exactly how to live
Why don’t you understand that this is how I feel?
I don’t want to be here anymore
I don’t want to wake up to the same old routine
I don’t want to look you in the eyes
And know that deep down inside
Your one of the main reasons I’m hurting
So, why won’t you listen to me?
Why are you so much more important?
Why do I have to suffer in silence?
Just because you want to talk about yourself
Well this is my sad story
The one that tells the truth
About that little girl
The one you thought you knew
She wants to leave this place
She wants to end her life
Because of you
Punishing Myself...
I can’t help but feel like this
More…my body just wants more scars
It tells me there’s not enough
I need to hurt myself, release the pain
Release it and bring more to the surface
Because I deserve it
I deserve the suffering
The blood is just the beginning
Flowing within it my hopes and my dreams
I watch as they flow away
I cry as they become further and further away from me
I punish myself
I did this to myself I must do it again
I must feel the pain inside dwell
I must be rid of it
Watch as it runs away with everything I love
As I want you to be here with me
I want you to see the mess you make
Each and every day
Feel the blade cut away the impurities
Just stand inside this feeling
And kneel down beside me
Sit in a pool of crimson red and look into these eyes
With Every Beat Of My Heart...
There’s no way I will ever match up to them
They are so much better than me and they always will be
But the love in my heart is true and it will never die out
It will always burn true as long as I know you
Sometimes I wish I could lean forward and wipe away your tears
Sometimes I hold my head in shame for I can’t show my care
I can’t show you I love you with every beat of my heart
There is no way on this earth I could share with you my thoughts
When I think about you my heart takes flight across the night sky
I sit here on my bed drinking my sorrows away and shedding tears
These tears I shed hold within them pure love for you
I wish and I hope that one day this love in my heart will actually fade away
Because the thought of you is killing me inside
It strangles me and stops me thinking about anything else
How many times have the words “I love you,” gone to waste?
If my heart beat was counted from the time I met you until now
That number would be your true and honest answer
There is no way that the pain inside of me is going to pass
Not as long as I know you, not as long as I know you’re alive
And so I ask myself, “What am I supposed to do next?”
I can’t be like them; I can’t do what they do
The only thing I can do is say, “I’m sorry, I love you,”
Questions...
I ask myself questions, to which I don’t know the answer..
These questions bring tears to my eyes everyday..
Sometimes I wish that someone would hear my thoughts
That someone would take by hand and say, “Child, don’t be frightened,”
No one knows…no one hears my silent screams.
I look into your eyes, knowing you have no clue
This I can’t do, don’t ask these things of me anymore..
Stop it, I’m not like the other children, please just stop..
If anything, I need your help..
Help me to feel real again, bring me back to life..
I’m hurting so much inside its untrue..
Life is like a game, a competition I can’t win
I look around at the faces surrounding me and I ask myself how they do it..
These people are so much better than me
So much more worth your time…
"It's just a laugh"...
Why don’t you understand?
Don’t you see what you do to me?
You’re tearing me apart, confusing me, frustrating me
You’re hurting me
I wish you could see that to me this isn’t just “a laugh”
Is that what I am to you? A laugh?
Do you think that I don’t feel?
Go on have a good laugh at me
Take what you want and then laugh at me
Use me, abuse me, hurt me…and then laugh at me when I start to cry.
Wasting my life away...
Waste your money
Waste your time
Live your life
Just based upon a lie
Tell yourself that you’re fine
That what’s going on in your mind
Isn’t killing you slowly inside
Allow people to think that it doesn’t bother you
They think your weak – show them you’re strong
Lie to them, Lie to yourself
Pretend that your heart isn’t breaking
Pretend that everything is just so fine
Like they think it is
Like they think that you’re their happy little girl
Like they think that you’re their happy little sister
Like they think you’re their happy little friend
Like he thinks you’re just some heartbroken girl
Will I just fall to pieces? Or will I be alright?
Will these tears be never-ending?
Will this pain in my shattered heart last?
Will I be able to cope?
I wonder – will I make it through?
Or will I waste my life away
Just crying over you
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